I’m not about to beg forgiveness for that awful pun in the title, and I agree: I deserve every ounce of scorn you want to verbally unloaded on me for making it. I’m not sorry. Make my day. Come at me, bro. Also, on an unrelated tangent, Star Wars Episode I: Jedi Power Battles for the PS1 and Dreamcast is so bad it’s good. Yeah, in fact *casual wave of hand indicating Force Persuasion* let’s talk about that instead of the ass-kicking I so richly deserve.

I’ll start with the premise. Say what you will about the film, The Phantom Menace did feature some great action sequences. Pod racing got its own video game for crying out loud, and seventeen years later that sequence is still as close as you’ll come to seeing Super Mario Kart: The Movie. But what everyone talked about, what everyone still talks about to this day, is seeing Jedi fighting like we always imagined they did when facing opponents who didn’t have lightsabers. Watching Oskar Schindler and Mark Renton cut Battle Droids in halves, thirds, and quarters was ridiculously fun, and ignoring all the flaws from the point of view of the script, the climactic battle with Darth Maul resonates in every Star Wars game made since. If you didn’t walk out of this movie wanting to buy toy lightsabers and rampage through the food court of a mall fighting a duel to the death while your mom looked on in horror with that embarrassed/resigned ‘where did I go wrong?’ look plastered across her face, then I’m sorry for your misspent youth. That experience (minus the applause of on-lookers and requests from mall security to leave, like, right now), is what Jedi Power Battles promised. Mom, if you’re reading this…I regret nothing.

Title screen.

It’s such a simple premise you’d think it would be impossible to foul up, but LucasArts has been known to snatch defeat from the Sarlaac Pit of victory in the past, and this game is no exception. Jedi Power Battles should have been nothing less than Streets of Rage or Fighting Force with a Star Wars skin. Since I wouldn’t be writing this column right now if that had actually happened, I suppose a ‘thank you’ of some kind is in order. Then again, that’s not the game I got so I rescind my outstretched hand. LucasArts, I both love and hate you–you’re a magnificent monument to ‘a complete and total lack of fucks given since 1999’. Never change.

“You can have my fucks back when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.” – LucasArts (probably)

Instead of Double Dragon with lightsabers, Jedi Power Battles went with a style that was all the rage at the time: the 3D action platformer. OK, so…Tomb Raider with lightsabers instead? Nah, we couldn’t be so lucky. Jedi Power Battles is a non-stop onslaught of difficult jumps, awful camera angles, and conveyor belts, not to mention a Dark-Side-like devotion to making you feel like the gimpiest Jedi to swing a laser-phallus since Yoda. It is merciless even on the easy setting–masochists who assume their in-game personas should be able to handle standard difficulty will pay the price for their lack of vision.

Like this Rodian about to learn how far off the ground he is.

“But wait!” you interject, “Jedi Power Battles offers two-player simultaneous play. Perhaps you should stop herding Nerfs and find a co-op partner?” This is an excellent point. Not only does Jedi Power Battles offer the chance for you and a friend to dismantle droids together, it also presents you with an excellent variety of characters with which to do the dismantling. They follow the trope of ‘the faster they are, the less damage they do’, but all five can see you through the game, especially when you pair a speedy Jedi with a slower, stronger incarnation. From fastest to slowest, you get Adi Gallia, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Plo Koon. Every character has different combos and special Force abilities, so if you can’t find someone who fits your style, there’s no one to blame but your mom.

Mace Windu’s lightsaber is blue because “Attack of the Clones” was still two years away. Calm down.

Thing is, with a partner, things just get more difficult. Remember playing the Waterfall level in Contra, where it was easy to “accidentally” scroll the screen up too high and kill your partner? Get used to that, only in Jedi Power Battles, it’ll be your buddy lollygagging back at the left side of the screen while you’re trying to jump a pit on the right side that will bring your demise more often than hordes of Battle Droids. When this happens, remember that anger, fear, and aggression are of the Dark Side…then embrace them and let the punching commence.

Despite all the shortcomings though, Jedi Power Battles does what it sets out to do…but only if you give it enough time. You must unlearn what you have learned when it comes to other action platformers. It proceeds at its own pace, will ask the world of you when it comes to simple tasks like jumping over pits, and like the worst Sith Master in the galaxy, won’t hesitate to kill you the minute you get out of line. You can either profit by this, and adapt your playing style to compensate, or be destroyed. It’s your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate this game’s power.

“Ho, ho, ho. Now I have a tank!”

That said, there’s still never been a game quite like Jedi Power Battles since. Jedi Academy comes close, but it’s still on a different planet. If you give it time, if you give it patience, if you practice your skills, it finally becomes rewarding, and much moreso if you have a friend along for the journey. It takes a “what-if” approach to The Phantom Menace (as in, “What if the Jedi Council just sent Mace f’ing Windu to straighten shit out on Naboo?”) that anyone can get behind. That’s why, just like Darth Vader, Jedi Power Battles is so bad…it’s good.

Michael Crisman

In 1979, Michael Crisman was mauled by a radioactive Gorgar pinball machine. After the wounds healed, doctors discovered his DNA had been re-coded. No longer fully human, Michael requires regular infusions of video games in order to continue living among you. If you see him, he can see you. Make no sudden moves, but instead bribe him with old issues of computer and video game magazines or a mint-in-box copy of Dragon Warrior IV.


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