Yeah, yeah, everybody makes their lists about scary, creepy, or flat-out weird games to play each October and we’re not about to buck the trend. But we’re going to assume you’re a retro gamer who’s read enough to know the big franchises everybody else writes about. Because if you’ve picked up a controller in the last fifteen years, you know about Resident Evil, Silent Hill, and Dino Crisis. You’ve played Sweet Home‘s NES translation, you’ve watched an Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem long play on YouTube, and if some scarf-wearing hipster starts harping on Fatal Frame again, you will stuff his camera where the flash won’t illuminate. Where does one go from there? Well, we’ve got some ideas with which to season your braincase if you care to join us.

Disaster Report/SOS: The Final Escape – PS2: The basis of fear comes from depriving us of something important. The dark scares us because it diminishes our ability to see, which is why so many games with horror themes take place in areas where light is scarce. But you don’t need to turn out the lights to turn up the tension, you just need to take away something else the player needs. In the case of Disaster Report (SOS: The Final Escape in Europe and Australia), developer Irem strips away water, warmth, and safety as the player is tasked with not only surviving the aftermath of a tremendous earthquake, but also leading other survivors to safety and unraveling the mystery behind what caused the earthquake in the first place.

Stiver Island’s disaster scale goes from 1 to Oh Shit!

It’s about as far from zombies and psychopaths as you can get, but Disaster Report keeps the adrenaline flowing via branching storylines, helpless survivors, multiple endings depending on your decisions during the game, and the need to keep yourself hydrated enough to continue your search for answers. And if you think trying to walk across a structurally-compromised bridge, slowly pick your way through abandoned cars, and maintain your balance as an aftershock rocks the area isn’t as stressful as trying to outrun an ax-wielding maniac…well, thanks for the page visit Batman, nice to see you, and we’re all big fans.

Forget your grappling hook, Batman?

Disaster Report is not billed as a horror game; it’s an adventure with survival-themed mechanics. If you need to feed your horror addiction by shotgunning bag-headed chainsaw psychos until they see the error of their ways, that’s fine–this game is not for you. But the best horror stories involve protagonists being faced with things normal people would look at and say “NOPE!”, then doing them anyway. By that metric, Disaster Report is just as successful at inducing panic as seeing a wave of Butchers rushing you in Dead Island. Because most of us when faced with crossing that creaky I-beam over a five hundred foot drop into the ocean would get a few inches out, look down, and need a change of pants. Good luck finding those after half your island falls into the sea.

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried “NOPE!” in terror…and were suddenly silenced.”

Michael Crisman

In 1979, Michael Crisman was mauled by a radioactive Gorgar pinball machine. After the wounds healed, doctors discovered his DNA had been re-coded. No longer fully human, Michael requires regular infusions of video games in order to continue living among you. If you see him, he can see you. Make no sudden moves, but instead bribe him with old issues of computer and video game magazines or a mint-in-box copy of Dragon Warrior IV.


If he made you laugh, drop a tip in his jar at http://paypal.me/modernzorker


(If he didn't make you laugh, donate to cure his compulsion to bang keyboards by sending an absurdly huge amount of money to his tip jar instead. That'll show him!)