Welcome back to Wacky Wednesday, where we ask the all-important question: “What the F&@!?”  Today we’re looking at an accessory destined to rock the gaming world, to ensure that you dominated each and every alien invader, koopa troopa, and loathsome Communist oppressor who crossed your path.  We love it.  It’s so bad.  It’s not the Power Glove–it’s the Thumb Master! Doctors have worried about the long-term effects of playing video games since the first Pong machine arrived in a bar, causing the first instance of video game-related violence when two drunks fought over who got to play first.  The 1980s gave us the first verifiable case of Pac-Man Fever, but did you know there were also diagnoses for Dungeon Master Elbow and Pac-Man Blister?  When doctors can’t come up with an appropriate name for the dumb-ass injury you bring to get looked at, they just ask what what Darwinian malarkey you engaged in to cause it and voila! Instant diagnosis!

Later, Kevin Spacey kills you for your sloth.

Bachiero Creations spared us the possibility of “Se7en II” by cutting the neoprene fingers off a bunch of old wetsuits, branding them with a logo, and selling them as game-enhancing devices.  There’s no way to calculate the lost revenue doctors’ offices experienced once Thumb Master arrived on the scene, but we suspect it’s in the tens of dollars.

The loss was offset by injuries sustained during “Thumb Master: The Drinking Game” (sold separately).

So, worried about Video Thumb(tm)?  Looking for a way to look like an even larger tool than the rest of the school already believes you to be? Got six dollars and fifty cents (or seven fifty in Canada, because LOL Canada!) you have nothing better to do with? Roll a neoprene condom on that digit and get back to screwing those games like the previously-owned, naughty little things they are.  Thumb Master: it’s got you covered (in one of seven sexy shades)!

Michael Crisman

In 1979, Michael Crisman was mauled by a radioactive Gorgar pinball machine. After the wounds healed, doctors discovered his DNA had been re-coded. No longer fully human, Michael requires regular infusions of video games in order to continue living among you. If you see him, he can see you. Make no sudden moves, but instead bribe him with old issues of computer and video game magazines or a mint-in-box copy of Dragon Warrior IV.


If he made you laugh, drop a tip in his jar at http://paypal.me/modernzorker


(If he didn't make you laugh, donate to cure his compulsion to bang keyboards by sending an absurdly huge amount of money to his tip jar instead. That'll show him!)