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Today in Retro Gaming – Superman (N64)

One hundred and ninety-six countries, including all of Europe became signatories to the Geneva Convention back in 1949. Despite this documented historical fact, French developer Titus Software was, for reasons unknown to Amnesty International, the Red Cross, and the United Nations, permitted to release Superman on the Nintendo 64. The result, as you might have heard in your travels around various gaming websites, is remembered for being one of the most shamelessly terrible games in recorded history.

How bad is it? It’s so bad we’re not even offering screenshots of it in action, because while one editor (that would be yours truly here) is willing to admit he owns it, not a damn one of us is willing to risk insulting our Nintendo 64 by hitting the power switch with the cart locked in place. “Kryptonite fog” my ass. You want to see pictures, you can Google that shizzle, because it’s not contaminating our image directory.

This disaster is a groin kick delivered to every fan of a Superman comic book, cartoon, or live-action film who ever lived. Please, for the love of everything holy and righteous, don’t even think about playing this game. We’re not defending or supporting this game in any way, shape, or form by reminding you of its existence. We’re just reporting history here. Believe me, we wish we didn’t have to do it either. We wish we had nothing. But no, Titus had to go shit the bed today in 1999. Thanks a lot, Titus.

Yeah, that’s right, we could be writing a nice little story about how Gradius hit Japanese arcades today. We could have a nice little retrospective on Ninja Commando for the Neo Geo. Broken Helix‘s US Playstation release? Right here, baby. The 25th anniversary of Tennis on the Game Boy? Yup, this was it. We had dozens of freakin’ things we could have covered.

But no. We hate you. We hate ourselves. We hate ourselves so damn much. And because of that, you get to remember Superman on the Nintendo 64. And it’s too late to apologize, because you already gave us your click. Thanks, loyal readers!  Enjoy your retro ad goodie!

Oh what promise you had, Kal-El.

Oh what promise you had, Kal-El.

Michael Crisman

In 1979, Michael Crisman was mauled by a radioactive Gorgar pinball machine. After the wounds healed, doctors discovered his DNA had been re-coded. No longer fully human, Michael requires regular infusions of video games in order to continue living among you. If you see him, he can see you. Make no sudden moves, but instead bribe him with old issues of computer and video game magazines or a mint-in-box copy of Dragon Warrior IV. If he made you laugh, drop a tip in his jar at http://paypal.me/modernzorker (If he didn't make you laugh, donate to cure his compulsion to bang keyboards by sending an absurdly huge amount of money to his tip jar instead. That'll show him!)

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